I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
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