I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
