I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
