Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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