You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
