Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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