He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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