If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
