I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
