i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Randomize
