My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
