I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
