I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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