So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
