Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
