just survived the first fart of the relationship.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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