last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
at work, .. 47 yr old boss was in a fight. 2 BLACK EYES. I may get fired. I cant stop laughing
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Randomize
