When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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