I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
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