Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my being single is dangerous.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
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