why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
