i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
So squirting runs in the family.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Drake has all the answers
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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