just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Randomize
