***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
...so i touched it.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
Randomize
