Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
