i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
