I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
