weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
the condom got lost in my hair
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Randomize
