is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
