hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i was like the pretty and slutty 8th grade girl who goes to a party, gets wasted, and ends up having sex with a senoir
details?
alcohol + bed + penis = sex
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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