I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
