nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
