just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I'm pretty sure I naked in my first year of college more than I was as a baby.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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