You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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