People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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