Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
