Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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