tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Randomize
