They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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