Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
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