i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Randomize
