it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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