MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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