I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
