I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
