id be glad to
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Randomize
