so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
