I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
