Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
