i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
